The Myth of “Having It All” (And What Actually Works)
If you're a working mom of the Gen-X or Millennial variety, you may have subliminally absorbed the same fallacy of modern day womanhood that I did in the 80s and 90s: You can have it all. We were raised with third-wave feminism whispering empowerment into our freshly-pierced-at-Claire’s ears, and if you’re like me, your brain interpreted it this way — you can be a mom AND have an amazing career AND be a domestic goddess AND be fulfilled. All through my twenties, I really believed it, too. I genuinely thought that with enough color-coded planners, caffeine, and 5 am wake-ups, I could seamlessly juggle a thriving career, a spotless home, and a beautifully enriching family life without dropping a single ball.
Spoiler alert: Nope.
And let's be clear, third-wave feminism is not to blame here. That movement, led by some of the most incredible women the modern world will ever see, gave us vital, necessary progress like intersectionality, the dismantling of rigid gender roles, and the profound realization that womanhood isn't a one-size-fits-all experience. But somewhere along the way, those ideals collided with modern hustle culture, and the core message of having choices got deeply mangled for some of us. "You can do anything" quietly warped into "you should do everything." The empowerment of charting our own course was somehow hijacked into an exhausting mandate that we must be all things to all people—the relentless career woman, the flawless mother, the perfect keeper of a home—forever. We were handed the freedom to choose our paths, but we had to sprint down all of them simultaneously just to prove we were worthy of the opportunity.
Years ago, back when I was navigating large law firm life for the first time, I witnessed a conversation that fundamentally shifted my perspective. A group of younger women, just barely associates, were stressing out, lamenting to an older female partner that they weren’t sure when they would ever find the "right time" to have kids. The partner herself was quietly struggling—she had waited as long as biology would allow to start her family, and now she was under immense pressure to prove to the firm that her commitment hadn't wavered just because she had a baby at home.
Then she—the elder of the group—dropped a truth bomb that I’ve carried with me ever since:
"You can't have it all. Not all at the same time."
It sounds a little harsh at first, but honestly? It’s the most freeing piece of advice I’ve ever received (or absorbed via eavesdropping, as it were). It made me reframe life into seasons.
We ebb and flow. There are phases of being a woman where your career demands to be priority number one. There are seasons where being a mom takes every ounce of your physical and mental energy, and then some. And there are seasons—though we often forget this part—where you just need to focus on the rest of your life, your relationships, or simply yourself.
You can't have everything sit at priority #1 simultaneously. The math won’t math.
If you are currently in a season where your career is demanding your attention, maybe the house gets a little messy. If you're in a season of intense parenting, maybe your professional goals shift to a simmer for a bit. Whatever season you are in, it is okay.
Give yourself the grace to actually be in your current season. Learn from it. Let it teach you what you want to prioritize when the next season rolls around.
That’s honestly a huge part of why I started Lemondrop. We are all just doing our best to balance the scales. Sometimes, buying back a few hours of your weekend so you can actually be present in your current season (instead of spending your precious downtime scrubbing floors) is exactly the kind of grace you need to bestow upon yourself.
Give yourself permission to just be where you are right now. You're doing beautifully.
